A journey with teen mental health

The journey with my teen daughter’s mental health problems has been fraught to say the least. At the beginning there were times when I was all too present as a ‘wounded mother’, but thankfully I have learned to stand in a different energy now, that of a mum who ‘holds space’.

I thought it might be helpful to others travelling a similar journey with a teen, to read about my aha’s and how I have altered the status quo to enable her to take charge and start her journey to recovery.

Awareness of my inner child

I have found it quite tricky to extricate myself from the emotional energy with which I was parented and present a different way of being. When dealing with my children, my own inner child has been too often triggered. This is a raw place of my own wounding which hadn’t come to light since first laid down. Thankfully my practice of self-awareness has enabled me to (mostly) move beyond this ego state.

When the self-harm first started I went into full-on ‘mum failure’. What had happened to my connection with my little girl? Why could she no longer communicate with me? How on earth could anyone do this to themselves? Why can’t I make her stop?

Yup, it was all about me. I had failed as a mum. Even worse, I had failed as a flower essence practitioner who helps people with their emotions.

Moving from ‘wounded mother’ to holding space

Looking back on events, I can pinpoint the time where our ability to connect went a bit wonky. As a family unit we had been through some tough stuff which led to her doing two different senior school entries in the space of two years. Year 8 was a bit fraught, but we chatted every evening about her day, trying to understand the various teen ‘occurrences’ that she’d encountered.

Then in year 9 it all went a bit ‘Pete Tong’ as they say. We lost that connection. “You don’t understand me,” she would shout. Looking back on things, I missed the point at which I should have moved from ‘mum helping a child understand the world’ to ‘holding space’ i.e. letting her talk herself through her problems to find her own solutions, without providing my own opinions. This was the crux point of me having to understand the effect of how I was parented on how I was parenting.

There was a memorable occurrence for me when, out of frustration at my inability to comprehend the horrific crisscross of cuts over her arms and legs, I kicked the clothes airer and emptied the bucket of hangers with force. I was really shocked at my emotional outburst. So, I turned to my trusty flower essences to deal with my anger, my concern for her and my own inner child wounds.

This was the turning point for me. I realised the only way to help her was to heal the negative emotions and old stories she triggered in me. I had moved from ‘wounded mother’ to an adult taking responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing. This change in me has created a much more positive energy between us. Now I can accept that this is her journey and that my role is to provide support when she asks for it. Simply by being there, staying calm and being a responsible grown-up, I am enabling her to find her own way out of the deep dark hole she has been occupying.

How flower essences helped me parent with awareness

As a flower essence practitioner, I don’t fix people! So why did I think I could – or should – fix my child? I’ve found my own flower essence combination ‘Worries Away’ to be incredibly helpful over the past year. It is a combination of Red and White Chestnut, Forget-me-Not and Hawthorn. Red Chestnut has helped me to stop worrying about her and trust that all will be well in the end. White Chestnut has stopped the crappy mind chatter of my ego, releasing the ‘wounded mum’ and replacing her with ‘calm mum’ (well, most of the time). Hawthorn has helped me embrace my wounded child and give her the love and parenting that I wish I had been given. Forget-ME-Not? Well, all mums need this essence because no one can give from an empty cup.

We still have a way to go. There’s school and exams and choosing further education settings and courses. To be honest, the whole exam thing terrifies me! Will she manage to sit exams? How will she react if she fails? No! That is not the route to go down, I must trust that all will be well and deal with each occurrence as it appears, with a calm and open mind. That way she can mirror her own emotions from me, which is the best gift I can give her.

You can book a free 20-minute chat to learn how I can support you with space holding and flower essences. Book here.

Click here to purchase a bottle of ‘Worries Away’